I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
