the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
