a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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