my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
