I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
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