dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
