I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
