I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
