I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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