some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
