his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
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I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
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Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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