Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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