Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
