Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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