it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
