I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
