I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
