I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
