lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
