I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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