I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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