My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Randomize
