I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
