We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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