my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
