so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
