I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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