So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
