You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
