He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
