Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
