Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
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I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
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Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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