I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
