A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
is wine microwaveable?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
