My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So apparently I’m into choking now
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
