Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
