Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
