ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
