All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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