I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm both gender and math confused
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
