who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
My ATM looks so different sober.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Even my vagina gasped.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
