He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
