I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
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