im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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