I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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