I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
