You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
