Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
