he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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