your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
