Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
