I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
