he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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