i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
