You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
