there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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